Unknot this self !

Has the ego drenched
 arrogance strutting peacockien fool
 not been ranting at something
 endlessly,and not moved an inch
 from where it cried its first call ?

 The musical out pours,
 the painterly and  sculptorly catwalks,
 and finally the roving on the landscapes of paper sheets
 on the wheels of these pens and pencils-
 has it all led to any distance been covered ?
 Or has been just the rowing of the oars
 while the boat was still tied at the ignorant shore !

 Open oh Lord, I implore
 open the knots invisible to the blind eyes
 of the ranting fool..
 sprinkle just some more illumination
 to the path that leads to where heads the final
 destination.

Are we game ?

Was it all for this ?
 Was it going to lead to something as unwanted as this?
 Was there a pretension to herself ?
 Or how else can such a being justify innocence ?

 Where else would it have led her to ?
 The path was evidently slippery.
 Yet the thrill of the slide was difficult to resist ..
 Even if the base of it was filled with a puddle of stinking mud ?

 Why, to begin with,had she justified it to be a stinking puddle ?
 Wasn't there some contamination  of hypocrisy ?
 Rather ignorance...?
 For if she were to charge herself with it ,
 she was charging the whole of humanity with it.
 For so many of us ,rather most of us do fall
 a prey .

 Is it then a falling a prey to ones hypocrisy,
 or is it ,to our ignorance ?
 Ignorance born out of a refusal to open ones eyes
 when the danger is crystal clear;
 born out of blocking those ears when danger
 was screaming out loud.
 Just because the pleasure of that moment
 demanded that we refuse to pay heed.

 Oh ,my lord !
 Are we then meant to meet our doom
 crafted most pathetically with
 our own creative and artistic fingers ?

 Just because we have the numbers on our side,
 doesn't prove our being right .
 The concoction is deadly and poisonous,
 and we have it within our might to
 fling it aside ,
 if we chose to ,but calls for all the strength of purpose,
 The might of all fingers and toes put together...

 Are we then game ?

the journey goes on...

the journey goes on ..how much is deciphered ..from the familiar or unfamiliar
milestones covered..i wonder ...the desire to learn is there..but how
intense i wonder...
life has its clever ways of deluding one from the search to blocking
oneself against several road blocks.
things and happenings shed amazing illuminating rays on truth,yet the
light disappears within no time..
how strange is that ? i wonder... and why is that i wonder...


just why and how can we let ourselves be deluded into the hazy zone
,once the direction of lights reveal itself ?
Just how can we render ourselves into such weaklings, who prepare to
fall again,the moment they learnt to raise ?
Running after the "golden dear" ,shan't it cease ? before the reserves
of energy and time run out ?
will i become an adult before i finally turn old ?


want to sit with myself allowing deep dives within the depths of the
oceans hiding secrets within
want to intensely stay under the surface without giving in to the fear
of asphyxiation..
shall we dear friend ?

The Sour Grapes

The effervescence of the new peg just poured:
Here for you :


The wheat from the chaff,
the separation is paramount.
But the inquiries for that
need gain momentum,
gain intensity within.

The real want of this life ?
Translating into the need for
fame ,money , power on one hand
visavis peace and truth on the other ?
can the questions find bigger place
within this conscious self on a day to day basis,
and from there moment to moment...

Ah ! That is like a colossal destination,
transforming the inquiry into
absolute intensity that the entire universe
is coerced into solving it for you
devoting itself to work towards providing those answers
for your looking up to something above, for them .
trusting some source more than your limited being
for the answers to questions bigger than you.

That couldn't have been a sour grapes story
ranting itself under the garb of grandeur
of the inquisition,the exploration ?

the new dawn

Another new dawn…

 after days of dense clouds…

Storms…screeching winds…

But she was safe in the haven of the

Small seemingly frail cottage …

The cottage she never trusted ,as capable

Of taking care of her .

There were times  when she heedlessly left the safty of it

And endangered herself venturing outside .

Everytime she realized she would resolve allover again,not to leave the reigns within

And promise not to venture out .

But how many times her fear within wouldn’t let her hang on

And she would be a victim to anxiety driven actions  of Escape.

Escapes into illusions of hope and security, from anything or anybody

Outside of herself seemingly capable of rescuing her .

But how? How could anybody or thing ever provide s ,shelter

When she was running ,from none other than herself ?

And the day she saw ,nothing could be held responsible for not lending a rescuing hand …

…was the day of a new dawn .The fresh morning that failed to threaten her with the fear

 of culminating into another stormy night .

She saw ,that that seemingly frail cottage ,none other than her real self

Was far stronger ,than her supposition.

No more had she the need to cater to the tantrums of the silly child within,

which at some point refused to grow up, would always want her lollypop as her sop,

without which putting a hold on those howls was out of question .

And gratitude to those who seemed cruel ?

Instrumental, weren’t they ,in the ripening of that consciousness?

Who seemed to wriggle their fingers free of her ,hands ever latching ?

And just when she thought there was no hope

Whoa…She emerges into her new avatar?

A being shielded strong ,to be ever  bogged down by any of the ever bloating, monstrous illusions !

Ah ! They ultimately were discovered in their nude ?

In the light bright enough not to let any lies further remain unearthed  …

 

what is it ?

What rends my heart to pieces?
Do i know it?
Or assume all knowledge?

I seek an end to it.
Direly.
I seek escape
I seek reasons at validating
inadvertently prolonging that existence
pumping more oxygen into a life worth erasing.

Don't i see futility in its length, in its flow?
That which jibes acquires might till my 'me' gets affected.
Ain't I exposing them to infected air,
Those seeming bruises?

Calm acceptance, without bringing it into my domain of focus.
Is that the key?
It definitely is avoiding the desire to culminate it.

Just sidestep the path to that yearning and see how the flower of peace starts unfolding its loving self
through its petals offering beauty and love gradually and imperceptibly.

And i find something that was strangulating me has suddenly been losing its grip.
And i feel the passage of breath making its way back n forth , a faint heaving of the ribcage , up n down , revival of that pulse again.
Revival of the very force of life!

All, that came like a stormy gush, went past because something inside decided to stay put
To take all the jerks and starts without offering resistance .

As my head turns to look back, i see the trail of the monster who lost its power,
right there as my eyes could confront it fearlessly .

Won’t it come again? Asks the chicken inside?


Lest i shiver at its re-visitation: Big or small it shall be faced .
Oh beloved one... 

the woman in the metro

The Woman In The Metro...
This Metro arrival has been such a beautiful experience .It offers one a chance to connect with some  wonderful people if one is lucky enough .I, for my share, have found myself quite fortunate till date. One such chance meeting with some one ....

That gay abandon , resonant in that laughter full of freedom .Freedom that she found somewhere before ,or rather at the dawn of her life. .Freedom from the  crutches of dependence .

A life ,a journey ,having traversed ,a long distance ...indeed a distance covered was there in this life ,at least that was what ,caught the eye. From a young girl married at a tender age of 19 ,to still a young girl,with a grand daughter of the age of 17.Sounds rather strange ,but so befitting to a personality like that .Where at all did she let me feel that she had turned old, toiling hard ,and the grind of the long ,exhaustive journey (As is wont to get for most of us.)shown on the lines of that very innocent face.It was none of it there ! 
All that enveloped her was her powerful ,yet childlike infectious laughter ,and a deep assertive voice.( There i discover the answer to my prevailing confusion .What if the lady who charmed me into an image may be somebody entirely different from what met my eye ?By all means that could be possible ).While i kept pouring joy on myself ,for having discovered a beautiful story of acquired independence .It was that assertive element in her, (which is one end of the spectrum, the other end of which is dominance)which relieves her from the charges of being  a stinking feminist.
It is that which enables a being to leave room for creation.

          A woman exuding  confidence , positivity ,under the seeming baggage of 'care a damn' attitude. She definitely wasn't one who wouldn't care.
          Having gone trough her share of being a dutiful bahu, with a foot long ghunghat(veil) for five initial years of her married life  ,wife of a successful chartered accountant, with a successful innings,(sounded like the quintessential wife behind the success of her man. I wish society wasn't so kind to a woman in having bestowed upon her  the halo of having the ability to be behind. )mother of three well settled sons ,and a' full of love' grand mom to her 17 year old ,whom she called her daughter .
         The entire whirlwind as she looks back having been left behind -having discovered her cherished solitude, which lay safely submerged like a seed waiting to sprout when it got its earth.

            The young lady has lovingly been provided for, with an accommodation all for herself ,by her children, away from her near n dear ones, away even from her husband. A husband who is helplessly stuck to his chair irretrievably, and who thus has been left free to carry on with his commerce, for as long as he wants to .I feel sad for him , not for the fact that he has been rendered cuckold ,because even that kind of  togetherness hardly has a meaning .But for the fact that he couldn't discover anything more to his life beyond his work .That kind of work holism could well be sad escapism  .

          Definitely not a divorce or even a separation ,as opposed to the conventional skepticism. I am still left wondering in answer to my own lack of surety here ,if it is really so bad to be enjoying,ones solitude .Hey i recall the opening lines of a television serial  directed by Deepti Naval shown ages ago which went like "Ek dafa to apana jeevan mujhko khud hi bone do .Likh lene do apni kismat .Honahaijo hone do....
         If guilt hounds one even when one sets out to explore ones life at the fag end ,after having  been through all

the responsibilities, then God save  us .I raise a toast to that spirit of freedom -which failed to shackle her, not at all meaning to glorify walking out as the new woman's mantra of life .Rather letting oneself loose ,letting go off ...when holding on didn't mean anything through a whole long life .

           She scoffs lovingly and lightheartedly in response to some body's query of living all alone by retorting ‘Sava lakh da khalsa.’....In punjabi (that Bhatinda di sikhini types )And lends another infectious gush of her ringing laughter ,least self conscious of herself attracting some attention towards her from the surrounding passengers in the Metro .She talks about how ,people living around her remain forever curious of who she is seen with ,where and when she is going and coming .I cannot help but grin at the recollection of how she came close to my ear ,flanked the lips from declaring to the fellow passengers ,how she manages to put a stopper to the irrepressible inquisitiveness of those snooty neighbors’ ,by her bombarding whisper "i will never tell you who i am sleeping with "

        The most beautiful thing to have brought back home from her was the fearlessness, and the non-conformist feel, not for any ego trip ,i want to declare it loud and clear ,as much as i understood ,rather for allowing fear to ebb away from ones life and in the process allowing solitude to reveal its beauty if not at dawn ,then at least at the dusk ,being an equally beautiful time    .   

       The 'godhuli' having been so beautifully unravelled ,is an achievement unmatched .

        Thank you for having sustained with me till now.